Personally, I’d like to think that the world is full of great people. But, maybe that’s not true. Perhaps, we’re just okay. It’s okay to be okay(!). Thinking only of myself, I would rather be something greater than okay but if someone looks at me and says, ahh, she’s okay. I’ll take it. That’s fine.
During the holidays, I promised my number one follower (okay, number three after my parents!) that I would keep writing. For days, I have started some really depressing posts. My mind is restless. It has been for a while, months really. Life will teach you about the ways of the world, about how we all cohabit this time and space, how we interact. For example, I have a weak heart–figuratively speaking. I love unconditionally and I don’t just turn it off. So, I struggled last year after I ended a relationship with a guy who I really loved, maybe I still do on some basic level. Somewhere, after the “I love yous” and the hopeful life discussions, he chose to stop talking to me. Here I was trying, stumbling, getting up, trying again, taking it easy, being patient, showing up, and he stopped noticing. I was in uncharted territory. Why was I showing up for someone who didn’t act like he cared? When I was looking back on this sad day, days later, I realized I believed that he would stand up and declare his love, he would change back into the guy who was committed to our relationship, he would realize I was what he wanted. That didn’t happen. He blamed his behavior on an array of possibilities never taking responsibility himself. And he shrugged. I cried. He shrugged.
Why am I telling you this? I don’t know. To explain my absence. Maybe. To realize I am a wreck for mentioning this months later. No.
I thought he was all that I wanted. All that I would ever want. He wasn’t. As I told myself then, he simply can’t be.
Here’s what I stopped caring about: running. I thought I would find a way to make it work. But I struggled. I tried to find peace in running but I have no control of my thoughts when I run, much like a dream-like state. I fail to realize I am frozen in my numbing thoughts until my running halts. It’s frustrating.
I stopped running since my mind couldn’t be trusted. So, I pulled my bike off the wall and put air in the tires but couldn’t get myself out the door. (I do still fear the fall, and I was trying to stay afloat.)
Last night, I found something–my own words. And, again, MONTHS have passed but aside from a few dates where I picked apart really nice guys, and have ignored seemingly kindhearted fellas, I haven’t move forward much. Then I remembered who I am. I don’t shrug when someone hurts, stranger or otherwise. I show up and outstretched in front of me is my heart.
Looking for a draft in my gmail account, I found a long email, long forgotten, I wrote just before my birthday when I felt dejected. One part made me think. “My sense of reflection is strong. I believe that as time passes, grace in situations should prevail and therefore reflection and growth are key….”
Those were my words to him but when I reread the draft I realized those words are for me. It’s time to find peace. It’s time to find my happy. It’s time to stop being “okay,” and become my best self.
So, I will start running again. More than that, I think I’ll start writing. I solve my own mysteries when I write. It’s my peace. More so than running. I am working on being something greater than okay. I’ll get there again. And, soon, I’ll be a runner once again.
Time heals all wounds. That’s what they say. Writing nurtures my soul. It awakens my mind. It soothes my heart. That’s what I say.
I guess I’m back. Here’s to a Happy New Year, Okayest and ALL.