World’s Okayest Human

Personally, I’d like to think that the world is full of great people. But, maybe that’s not true. Perhaps, we’re just okay. It’s okay to be okay(!). Thinking only of myself, I would rather be something greater than okay but if someone looks at me and says, ahh, she’s okay. I’ll take it. That’s fine.

During the holidays, I promised my number one follower (okay, number three after my parents!) that I would keep writing. For days, I have started some really depressing posts. My mind is restless. It has been for a while, months really. Life will teach you about the ways of the world, about how we all cohabit this time and space, how we interact. For example, I have a weak heart–figuratively speaking. I love unconditionally and I don’t just turn it off. So, I struggled last year after I ended a relationship with a guy who I really loved, maybe I still do on some basic level. Somewhere, after the “I love yous” and the hopeful life discussions, he chose to stop talking to me. Here I was trying, stumbling, getting up, trying again, taking it easy, being patient, showing up, and he stopped noticing. I was in uncharted territory. Why was I showing up for someone who didn’t act like he cared? When I was looking back on this sad day, days later, I realized I believed that he would stand up and declare his love, he would change back into the guy who was committed to our relationship, he would realize I was what he wanted. That didn’t happen. He blamed his behavior on an array of possibilities never taking responsibility himself. And he shrugged. I cried. He shrugged.

Why am I telling you this? I don’t know. To explain my absence. Maybe. To realize I am a wreck for mentioning this months later. No.

I thought he was all that I wanted. All that I would ever want. He wasn’t. As I told myself then, he simply can’t be.

Here’s what I stopped caring about: running. I thought I would find a way to make it work. But I struggled. I tried to find peace in running but I have no control of my thoughts when I run, much like a dream-like state. I fail to realize I am frozen in my numbing thoughts until my running halts. It’s frustrating.

I stopped running since my mind couldn’t be trusted. So, I pulled my bike off the wall and put air in the tires but couldn’t get myself out the door. (I do still fear the fall, and I was trying to stay afloat.)

Last night, I found something–my own words. And, again, MONTHS have passed but aside from a few dates where I picked apart really nice guys, and have ignored seemingly kindhearted fellas, I haven’t move forward much. Then I remembered who I am. I don’t shrug when someone hurts, stranger or otherwise. I show up and outstretched in front of me is my heart.

Looking for a draft in my gmail account, I found a long email, long forgotten, I wrote just before my birthday when I felt dejected. One part made me think. “My sense of reflection is strong. I believe that as time passes, grace in situations should prevail and therefore reflection and growth are key….”

Those were my words to him but when I reread the draft I realized those words are for me. It’s time to find peace. It’s time to find my happy. It’s time to stop being “okay,” and become my best self.

So, I will start running again. More than that, I think I’ll start writing. I solve my own mysteries when I write. It’s my peace. More so than running. I am working on being something greater than okay. I’ll get there again. And, soon, I’ll be a runner once again.

Time heals all wounds. That’s what they say. Writing nurtures my soul. It awakens my mind. It soothes my heart. That’s what I say.

I guess I’m back. Here’s to a Happy New Year, Okayest and ALL.

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